Witness

I've had a stirring in me, especially lately, to connect with my grandparents (my dad's folks).  I have always been very connected to my grandma, in particular.  For one, we have the same birthday.  I used to spend the night at her house since I was a toddler and we spun wool, set our hair, and ate buttered noodles by the fire.  She took me berry picking and read me stories.

She is 88 years old now and has had several strokes and is seldom lucid.  She lost one of her sons nearly a year ago and I hear she is having a hard time dealing with that.  My dad flies up to visit as much as he can, but since he and I aren't close, I don't often hear about it.  This is important to me because in my adult life I have only gone over to visit if my dad is there or I'm with at least one other person.

Why?  Well, I'll tell you.  My uncle lives there.  He's my grandma's oldest son.  He sexually abused me before I was five.  I told my mom and after addressing it with the family, it was decided that no one would talk about it.  Everyone pretended it didn't happen and there was repeat exposure.  As I got a little older, he would grab me a tickle me in a way that caused tremendous fear and pain and I screamed and struggled to get away.  The house haunted me and his presence terrorized me.  I would visibly shake when he entered the room.  I just didn't like to go there.

God is good... ALL the time.

I started feeling that I could and should go visit with my grandma.  I brushed this off for a while... it was not something I wanted to deal with.  I wanted to just pursue God.  He spoke.  "Go.  Go now.  You are not alone, I am your Dad and I go with you."  Whoa.  I barely changed my clothes and brushed my teeth before I was out the door and on my way.  I didn't even call my grandparents to let them know I was coming. 

The Holy Spirit filled my car as I drove and I had a confidence that I've never known before.  It wasn't a confidence in myself or my ability to somehow handle this environment differently... it was confidence in my Papa - my Father in Heaven.  I didn't have to know what to do or what to say.  He, Daddy God, had it all in control.

When I arrived, I saw my grandma in her driveway, trying to find the garbage bins she was standing in front of.  As I approached her, she didn't have any idea who I was.  We went inside and I became overwhelmed... with peace!  There was absoluetly no fear in me.  My mind was so blown, I could barely keep myself from falling to my knees and praising God right there! 

I sat with my grandma and for 30 minutes I answered questions.  "Who are you? Have you ever met my boys?  I have four, you know.  Do you know my husband?  Who are you?  Do I know you?"  Then she asked why I came.  I told her I was talking with the Lord and He told me to come.  She cried out "Jesus!  Oh, I know Jesus."

I smiled as I reminded her that she was the one who taught me Psalm 23 and we recited it together:
The Lord is my Shepard, I shall not want. 
He makes me lie down in green pastures,
He leads me beside still waters,
He restores my soul.
He leads me along paths of righteousness, for His Name sake.
Even though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death
I fear no evil
for Thou art with me
Thy rod and Thy staff, they comfort me.
Thou preparest a table before me in the presence of mine enemies.
Thou anoinest my head with oil
my cup overflows.
Surely goodnes and mercy shall follow me
all the days of my life, and I will dwell in the house of the Lord
Forever. Amen. 
For the next two hours she knew exactly who I was and we listened to some worship music and talked about the past and got caught up on the present. 

I cannot remember feeling this peaceful in this house. Surreal.  Nearing the end of our visit, the phone rang.  Grandma answered and I heard my uncle's voice echo.  I braced myself for anxiety to take over, but instead I found myself accepting the phone as she handed it to me saying "he wants to talk with you."

Oh.  Umm, ok.  I took the phone, greeted him and instead of fear, a smile came over my face.  He said he needed something and I said "how can I help?"  I was shocked as I heard these words come out of me... I was confused.  At that moment I heard God say to me "This is My heart, to show love to the lost.  This is why I sent My Son, to show them the way home.  Will you show My heart to this man?"

Immediately I knew I was indeed a completely new creature, in every way.  I realized that I was holding on to baggage that wasn't mine anymore, Jesus took that baggage with Him to the cross.  I was, in fact, free to be the heart of God.

I know this was the first of what will be several visits with my grandparents as the enemy that has held this territory for 30+ years has been defeated and cannot return.  The works of the enemy have been detroyed. 

I fully accept the Blood covering of Jesus Christ.

What are you dealing with?  What haunts you?  Invite God, right now, to show you the truth of the thing.

Father in Heaven, thank You.  You are the I Am.  You are our Protection.  You are our hope and our future.  Thank You, not only for sending Your Son, but for being patient with me as I learn what that means and how Jesus is relevant to every aspect of my life.  You have given me the spirit of adoption and call me your daughter (or son) so I can confidently approach You.  Daddy God, there are things in my life that don't make sense to me.  Things that have happened to me or things I have been a part of.  Things that have hurt me, scarred me.  Things that hold onto my deepest of deep.  Papa, I give these things to You by saying teach me.  Show me how this applies to the cross.  Give me an experience of Divine deliverance, not just words in a blog or a good sermon on Sunday.  I want to interact with You.  Take me to the cross, that I may leave these things there and walk in the freedom of sharing Your Heart.  Show me who You are through the resolution of these things.  I don't want to be ignorant any more.  Show me what it really means to find myself in You.