Control Freak

There was a time,  not so long ago, that I would have considered myself obessive-compulsive.  I had a certain order to things and very specific regimines - the 'how to do' was not to be tampered with.  If something was done "incorrectly" it just messed me up. 

I always had to walk on the right side of someone.  Movies had to be arranged IN alphabetical order, from top to bottom.  When a movie was in use, the case ALWAYS remained in its place, just turned in the 'down' position, indicating that dvd was IN the DVD player.  There was no reason what-so-ever that any movie should ever be missing. My way of deciding order.  There's a specific way to fold towels, shower curtains must have EOE: equal opportunity exposure (to prevent mold or any other germ-type growth).  No two utensils could be in the same space in the dishwasher facing the same direction - one must be up and one must be down (or else they might fit together during the washing, preventing equal cleaning).  This list goes on and on.

I learned I controlled my envirnment in order to keep things predictable, and this predictability made me somewhat safer.  After experiencing sudden loss and/or danger so frequently during the course of my life I was compelled to try to do something to prevent it.

As I walk in closer relationship with God, I'm learning that I do not control anything in my environment - that my reality and the Truth are two very different things and that my confidence rests in what has BEEN accomplished.  I seem to have missed that this included people.

I discovered that my need for control went much deeper than the objects and circumstances around me - I learned that I actually control people, particularly the ones who were significant to me.  I have learned to adjust my behavior to what I feel is expected by each individual.  I adjust how I dress, my appearance, even the physical shape of my body to accomodate my comprehension of what is acceptable.  I thought I was staying true to myself by holding on to who I really am on the inside, while this whole time I've been fading into the background to the point of not knowing my own likes and dislikes.

In what feels like 'suddenly', I find myself in a new culture where people treat each other with honor, and in this culture 'we don't believe we can control each other nor do we believe that we can be controlled BY each other'.  I am surrounded by people who are not influenced  or controlled by my insecurities or my behavior.  It's a free environment.  ...and this sends me into a panic!  Intellectually, this is fascinating.  I have embraced this culture with all my MIND - yet my person (my heart) flails about in nearly every exchange and I can't figure out why.  So I started asking myself how I think I'm doing... and I couldn't answer. 

Every time I asked myself this question, I found myself wanting (even seeking) to have interaction with someone.  I thought I just had a short attention span, but I quickly learned I was avoiding my own question - because I didn't know the answer.  I have learned to "take the temperature" of the people close to me (who matter to me) to determine how I'm doing according to how they're doing and how I perceive they feel about me.  (Wow! This really puts them in control of me...).

You see, most of my life consists of reward or punishment based on how well I conformed to someone else's comfort/reality/opinions.  Spoken or unspoken.  I was responsible for knowing (in advance) how a person wanted or needed to feel in my presence and rather than discuss this, it was learned by either embrace or abandonment.  I believed (although I wasn't aware of this belief) that I could be controlled by another person.  I believed I was responsible for my half of the relationship AND their half. 

Now, in this culture of honor, I'm only responsible for my half.  And I don't know how to BE free.  I don't know how NOT to be controlled.  I find myself constantly taking people's temperature trying to figure out HOW I am supposed to be, BUT no one is responding.  I am just loved and accepted however I am.  This has sent me into a whirlwind of confusion.  I have been giving control to people who not only don't want it, they refuse it.  Worse than that, I have been trying to control THEM by making constant adjustments to who I think I'm expected to be... an no one is responding to that either! 

Honor and love - this culture - comes from one source:  God.  It is by His Spirit that I am able to learn and grow into this reality: His Truth.  I can put in place measure after measure, list after list of how I am going to 'change myself'... but true and permanant change, growth, and understanding come by God through Jesus.  Conviction comes only through the Spirit.

In a painful evaluation of the deeper questions I subtly assert to the people in my life, I found what I am trying to guage:
Is my appearance acceptable?  Are my interests in line with yours?  Do you feel loved and appreciated when I'm with you?  Do I let you know how valuable you are to me?  Do you feel I sincerely care about your success/victories?  Do I show you in ways that matter to you that I love you?  Have I hurt or offended you in any way?  Do I include you in things that matter to me?  Are you going to reject me?

My fear in relationships comes from beliefs that I have acquired based on past experiences:  I'm not worthy.  I do not fit in.  I'm special (and not in a good way).  I'm not valuable.  I'm tainted (based on my past).  I am not where it is expected that I should be (my interests and passions are out of place).  I'm confused.  That rejection and abandonment are inevitable.

Putting my faith in people's opinions or in my own ability to make myself acceptable is not only prideful, but it reduces what Christ did on the cross FOR me.
Jesus became insecure so that I might become secure.
Jesus became rejected so that I might become accepted.
Jesus became less than so that I might become more than.
Jesus became prideful so that I might become humble.
This goes on and on... in this I can stop TRYING to overcome things that have ALREADY been handled.  My efforts are futile - His efforts are final.

By shifting my focus from people to God, I can clearly hear what He says about me:
I am righteous.  I have peace.  I have access to grace.  I have hope in the glory of God...all this through Jesus Christ by faith. (Romans 5:1-2)
I am saved.  I am saved by His mercy. I am washed.  I am renewed by the His Spirit.  I am created.  I am His Creation.  I have an assignment. (Ephesisans 2:8-10, Titus 3:5-8)
I am pre-destined to be conformed to the image of Christ. (Romans 8:29)

God's opinion of me is clear.
Other people's opinion of me just does not matter.
If my opinion of myself is not in alignment with God's, then I have some re-thinking to do.
Nothing and no one can seperate me from my Dad. (Romans 8:31-39)

Father in Heaven, I have tried to save myself.  I have tried to change myself.  I have overlooked Your love for me, Your devotion to me, Your grace for me by believing that I must earn a place in Your family.  I have completely missed the magnitude of who Your Son is by placing other people's input and opinions higher than Yours.  I have refused and denied Your rest and provision You have laid forth for me by trying to accomplish the same in my own efforts.
I have focused more on experiencing people rather than experiencing You.  I've been so concerned about developing good relationships that I've forgotten about my relationship with You.
I know that in You and through You that all my other relationships will come into peace and alignment and I pray that ALL that You have done for me becomes what defines me.  I'm sorry for thinking it was somehow about what I needed to do... for others and for You.  I'm sorry for not realizing how precious and valuable I am to You that You sent Your Son to become less so that I could become more.  I completeley missed it because I continued to let my past define Your Truth rather than turning to You and being teachable by Your Spirit.  I turn away from my selfish pride and bow in Your glory.  I reject the list-making, rule-enforcing rituals that I have relied on to determine my worth.  I want to learn how to be free in Your Kingdom culture - I don't believe I can control other people and I don't believe I can be controlled by them either.  I'm sorry for working against You instead of resting IN You. You are always good, right, and perfect - and in You, Lord my God, I find myself.

Touched

As a warm breeze flows through the hollows of the land caressing all within it with a tingle of peace, His Breathe moves seeking to be inhaled by starving lungs. 

Having suffered the effects of extreme cold I lay dormant as a cube of ice, split from my original design - repelling my own self from the process of polarization.  My form is rigid and demanding as my artic aura confronts every encounter, the fruit of my existance replicates my icy obstinent condition. Uninspired, searching for nothing, irrelevant to the progression of life.

Amidst the company of fellow ice cubes, idling, unaware of possibilities yet somewhere in my molecules is a memory of what once was, suddenly I'm brushed with a curious Essence.

It glides over my surface, an electric reaction occurs as my exterior structure transforms.  I become slick and unstuck as I slowly move into more of the warmth, leaving behind the frozen isolation.  Even though the remote of my soul remains petrified, I become aggitated with activity.

My hardened center sits in a puddle of myself, Gentleness from without integrates within developing me until even the most unyeilding heart of me becomes pliable. 

I begin to respond to the Energy that consumes me and I traverse previously unreachable places, I conceed to the Pressure of the Atmosphere trickling over and soaking into every surface sharing the Experience.

In my fluidity, my nature seeks to be immersed with more Water, somehow knowing that by law the frozen melt in Its Presence...

The Living Water - I've been touched.