Witness

I've had a stirring in me, especially lately, to connect with my grandparents (my dad's folks).  I have always been very connected to my grandma, in particular.  For one, we have the same birthday.  I used to spend the night at her house since I was a toddler and we spun wool, set our hair, and ate buttered noodles by the fire.  She took me berry picking and read me stories.

She is 88 years old now and has had several strokes and is seldom lucid.  She lost one of her sons nearly a year ago and I hear she is having a hard time dealing with that.  My dad flies up to visit as much as he can, but since he and I aren't close, I don't often hear about it.  This is important to me because in my adult life I have only gone over to visit if my dad is there or I'm with at least one other person.

Why?  Well, I'll tell you.  My uncle lives there.  He's my grandma's oldest son.  He sexually abused me before I was five.  I told my mom and after addressing it with the family, it was decided that no one would talk about it.  Everyone pretended it didn't happen and there was repeat exposure.  As I got a little older, he would grab me a tickle me in a way that caused tremendous fear and pain and I screamed and struggled to get away.  The house haunted me and his presence terrorized me.  I would visibly shake when he entered the room.  I just didn't like to go there.

God is good... ALL the time.

I started feeling that I could and should go visit with my grandma.  I brushed this off for a while... it was not something I wanted to deal with.  I wanted to just pursue God.  He spoke.  "Go.  Go now.  You are not alone, I am your Dad and I go with you."  Whoa.  I barely changed my clothes and brushed my teeth before I was out the door and on my way.  I didn't even call my grandparents to let them know I was coming. 

The Holy Spirit filled my car as I drove and I had a confidence that I've never known before.  It wasn't a confidence in myself or my ability to somehow handle this environment differently... it was confidence in my Papa - my Father in Heaven.  I didn't have to know what to do or what to say.  He, Daddy God, had it all in control.

When I arrived, I saw my grandma in her driveway, trying to find the garbage bins she was standing in front of.  As I approached her, she didn't have any idea who I was.  We went inside and I became overwhelmed... with peace!  There was absoluetly no fear in me.  My mind was so blown, I could barely keep myself from falling to my knees and praising God right there! 

I sat with my grandma and for 30 minutes I answered questions.  "Who are you? Have you ever met my boys?  I have four, you know.  Do you know my husband?  Who are you?  Do I know you?"  Then she asked why I came.  I told her I was talking with the Lord and He told me to come.  She cried out "Jesus!  Oh, I know Jesus."

I smiled as I reminded her that she was the one who taught me Psalm 23 and we recited it together:
The Lord is my Shepard, I shall not want. 
He makes me lie down in green pastures,
He leads me beside still waters,
He restores my soul.
He leads me along paths of righteousness, for His Name sake.
Even though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death
I fear no evil
for Thou art with me
Thy rod and Thy staff, they comfort me.
Thou preparest a table before me in the presence of mine enemies.
Thou anoinest my head with oil
my cup overflows.
Surely goodnes and mercy shall follow me
all the days of my life, and I will dwell in the house of the Lord
Forever. Amen. 
For the next two hours she knew exactly who I was and we listened to some worship music and talked about the past and got caught up on the present. 

I cannot remember feeling this peaceful in this house. Surreal.  Nearing the end of our visit, the phone rang.  Grandma answered and I heard my uncle's voice echo.  I braced myself for anxiety to take over, but instead I found myself accepting the phone as she handed it to me saying "he wants to talk with you."

Oh.  Umm, ok.  I took the phone, greeted him and instead of fear, a smile came over my face.  He said he needed something and I said "how can I help?"  I was shocked as I heard these words come out of me... I was confused.  At that moment I heard God say to me "This is My heart, to show love to the lost.  This is why I sent My Son, to show them the way home.  Will you show My heart to this man?"

Immediately I knew I was indeed a completely new creature, in every way.  I realized that I was holding on to baggage that wasn't mine anymore, Jesus took that baggage with Him to the cross.  I was, in fact, free to be the heart of God.

I know this was the first of what will be several visits with my grandparents as the enemy that has held this territory for 30+ years has been defeated and cannot return.  The works of the enemy have been detroyed. 

I fully accept the Blood covering of Jesus Christ.

What are you dealing with?  What haunts you?  Invite God, right now, to show you the truth of the thing.

Father in Heaven, thank You.  You are the I Am.  You are our Protection.  You are our hope and our future.  Thank You, not only for sending Your Son, but for being patient with me as I learn what that means and how Jesus is relevant to every aspect of my life.  You have given me the spirit of adoption and call me your daughter (or son) so I can confidently approach You.  Daddy God, there are things in my life that don't make sense to me.  Things that have happened to me or things I have been a part of.  Things that have hurt me, scarred me.  Things that hold onto my deepest of deep.  Papa, I give these things to You by saying teach me.  Show me how this applies to the cross.  Give me an experience of Divine deliverance, not just words in a blog or a good sermon on Sunday.  I want to interact with You.  Take me to the cross, that I may leave these things there and walk in the freedom of sharing Your Heart.  Show me who You are through the resolution of these things.  I don't want to be ignorant any more.  Show me what it really means to find myself in You.

Home From the Wilderness

O Daddy God!  You are bigger than the span of the universe.  Everything You've created surrenders to You in worship: trees grow, water falls, wind blows, birds fly, animals graze.  Yet I struggle to exist in Your presence.  I elevate myself to judging right and wrong, good and bad, according to my experience and my intellegence, disregarding the fact that I have been shaped and molded by the world. 

I am a hypocrit as I claim to know You and want to know more of You... yet I conform You to my image rather than allow myself to be conformed to Yours.  I settle for being comfortable in my orphan spirit rather than residing in the position of Sonship by the spirit of adoption because orphan is what I know best.

Holy Spirit - teach me!  Show me the true meaning of adoption that I may walk in confidence in You as Your daughter or Your son.  Bring forth the memory in my spirit that knows You from eternity so that I may reside in Kingdom reality with my Papa!

Father, forgive me for believing that I know my needs better than You.. for placing status, reputation, feelings higher than You.  These things I put my faith in - these things I depend upon to give me value and my life meaning - they are falible and mortal and incapable of saving me.  You.  Only You are my Savior... not a person, not a job, not a house or car, not my parenthood, not my ability or performance, not my pride. 

I desperately pray, Daddy, to come home!  I don't like the wilderness as much as I thought I would.  By Your precious Son, Jesus Christ, I have been restored to the Garden - no strings attached.  Yet while I rejoice in this homecoming, I continue to eat from the tree of knowledge of good and evil every time I act on my own.  Reveal to me, Lord, every single way I exault myself above You!  Take me on the path that leads me straight to You!  Bring me to the end of me that I may see the brilliance of Your Face.  Whatever the assignment is that You've placed on my life for this time, I trust that You not only know what I need for it, but have provided it all.  I refuse to continue to think that I know better than You.

I want to re-learn how to work from a place of Kingdom wealth, I am tired of striving to accomodate what I think I need - my comfort is always just beyond my reach.  You made me to be a human-being.. not a human-doing.  I'm tired of trying to balance You on one shoulder and the demands of the world on the other.  It's You.  Only You.  Open the eyes of my heart, bring me into Divine focus.

I pray that, like Jesus, I only do what I see my Father doing.  I want to know Your voice as the sheep do a Shepard's.  Like You made Adam and Eve, may I be unconcious and unaware of my own self, but only of Your presence, Your grace, Your provision.  Jesus, my Lord, my Savior, my Big Brother... I want to know my position in Our Father's kingdom as You do and my purpose on this earth as You did.  I relinquish ownership/control of the outcome.  You are the source of it and You will see to it.  Make Your reality my reality... I'm tired of believing that You are far off and distant.

Teach me!  Show me!  Take me, O God!  I know that I have been fully restored, but I haven't understood what that looks like, so I've continued to wallow in my own death.  I do not want to eat from the tree of knowledge of good and evil anymore!  Teach me to eat only from the Bread of Life - moment to moment - consatntly turning away from my self to seek Your heart, Your voice, Your face.  

You are freedom, You are love, You are my Dad and I love You - ALL of You!  I run to You, Papa, I throw myself into Your arms, I bury my tear-stained weary face in Your bossom, I rest in Your love and Your goodness.  I surrender, Father God, take me home.

Control Freak

There was a time,  not so long ago, that I would have considered myself obessive-compulsive.  I had a certain order to things and very specific regimines - the 'how to do' was not to be tampered with.  If something was done "incorrectly" it just messed me up. 

I always had to walk on the right side of someone.  Movies had to be arranged IN alphabetical order, from top to bottom.  When a movie was in use, the case ALWAYS remained in its place, just turned in the 'down' position, indicating that dvd was IN the DVD player.  There was no reason what-so-ever that any movie should ever be missing. My way of deciding order.  There's a specific way to fold towels, shower curtains must have EOE: equal opportunity exposure (to prevent mold or any other germ-type growth).  No two utensils could be in the same space in the dishwasher facing the same direction - one must be up and one must be down (or else they might fit together during the washing, preventing equal cleaning).  This list goes on and on.

I learned I controlled my envirnment in order to keep things predictable, and this predictability made me somewhat safer.  After experiencing sudden loss and/or danger so frequently during the course of my life I was compelled to try to do something to prevent it.

As I walk in closer relationship with God, I'm learning that I do not control anything in my environment - that my reality and the Truth are two very different things and that my confidence rests in what has BEEN accomplished.  I seem to have missed that this included people.

I discovered that my need for control went much deeper than the objects and circumstances around me - I learned that I actually control people, particularly the ones who were significant to me.  I have learned to adjust my behavior to what I feel is expected by each individual.  I adjust how I dress, my appearance, even the physical shape of my body to accomodate my comprehension of what is acceptable.  I thought I was staying true to myself by holding on to who I really am on the inside, while this whole time I've been fading into the background to the point of not knowing my own likes and dislikes.

In what feels like 'suddenly', I find myself in a new culture where people treat each other with honor, and in this culture 'we don't believe we can control each other nor do we believe that we can be controlled BY each other'.  I am surrounded by people who are not influenced  or controlled by my insecurities or my behavior.  It's a free environment.  ...and this sends me into a panic!  Intellectually, this is fascinating.  I have embraced this culture with all my MIND - yet my person (my heart) flails about in nearly every exchange and I can't figure out why.  So I started asking myself how I think I'm doing... and I couldn't answer. 

Every time I asked myself this question, I found myself wanting (even seeking) to have interaction with someone.  I thought I just had a short attention span, but I quickly learned I was avoiding my own question - because I didn't know the answer.  I have learned to "take the temperature" of the people close to me (who matter to me) to determine how I'm doing according to how they're doing and how I perceive they feel about me.  (Wow! This really puts them in control of me...).

You see, most of my life consists of reward or punishment based on how well I conformed to someone else's comfort/reality/opinions.  Spoken or unspoken.  I was responsible for knowing (in advance) how a person wanted or needed to feel in my presence and rather than discuss this, it was learned by either embrace or abandonment.  I believed (although I wasn't aware of this belief) that I could be controlled by another person.  I believed I was responsible for my half of the relationship AND their half. 

Now, in this culture of honor, I'm only responsible for my half.  And I don't know how to BE free.  I don't know how NOT to be controlled.  I find myself constantly taking people's temperature trying to figure out HOW I am supposed to be, BUT no one is responding.  I am just loved and accepted however I am.  This has sent me into a whirlwind of confusion.  I have been giving control to people who not only don't want it, they refuse it.  Worse than that, I have been trying to control THEM by making constant adjustments to who I think I'm expected to be... an no one is responding to that either! 

Honor and love - this culture - comes from one source:  God.  It is by His Spirit that I am able to learn and grow into this reality: His Truth.  I can put in place measure after measure, list after list of how I am going to 'change myself'... but true and permanant change, growth, and understanding come by God through Jesus.  Conviction comes only through the Spirit.

In a painful evaluation of the deeper questions I subtly assert to the people in my life, I found what I am trying to guage:
Is my appearance acceptable?  Are my interests in line with yours?  Do you feel loved and appreciated when I'm with you?  Do I let you know how valuable you are to me?  Do you feel I sincerely care about your success/victories?  Do I show you in ways that matter to you that I love you?  Have I hurt or offended you in any way?  Do I include you in things that matter to me?  Are you going to reject me?

My fear in relationships comes from beliefs that I have acquired based on past experiences:  I'm not worthy.  I do not fit in.  I'm special (and not in a good way).  I'm not valuable.  I'm tainted (based on my past).  I am not where it is expected that I should be (my interests and passions are out of place).  I'm confused.  That rejection and abandonment are inevitable.

Putting my faith in people's opinions or in my own ability to make myself acceptable is not only prideful, but it reduces what Christ did on the cross FOR me.
Jesus became insecure so that I might become secure.
Jesus became rejected so that I might become accepted.
Jesus became less than so that I might become more than.
Jesus became prideful so that I might become humble.
This goes on and on... in this I can stop TRYING to overcome things that have ALREADY been handled.  My efforts are futile - His efforts are final.

By shifting my focus from people to God, I can clearly hear what He says about me:
I am righteous.  I have peace.  I have access to grace.  I have hope in the glory of God...all this through Jesus Christ by faith. (Romans 5:1-2)
I am saved.  I am saved by His mercy. I am washed.  I am renewed by the His Spirit.  I am created.  I am His Creation.  I have an assignment. (Ephesisans 2:8-10, Titus 3:5-8)
I am pre-destined to be conformed to the image of Christ. (Romans 8:29)

God's opinion of me is clear.
Other people's opinion of me just does not matter.
If my opinion of myself is not in alignment with God's, then I have some re-thinking to do.
Nothing and no one can seperate me from my Dad. (Romans 8:31-39)

Father in Heaven, I have tried to save myself.  I have tried to change myself.  I have overlooked Your love for me, Your devotion to me, Your grace for me by believing that I must earn a place in Your family.  I have completely missed the magnitude of who Your Son is by placing other people's input and opinions higher than Yours.  I have refused and denied Your rest and provision You have laid forth for me by trying to accomplish the same in my own efforts.
I have focused more on experiencing people rather than experiencing You.  I've been so concerned about developing good relationships that I've forgotten about my relationship with You.
I know that in You and through You that all my other relationships will come into peace and alignment and I pray that ALL that You have done for me becomes what defines me.  I'm sorry for thinking it was somehow about what I needed to do... for others and for You.  I'm sorry for not realizing how precious and valuable I am to You that You sent Your Son to become less so that I could become more.  I completeley missed it because I continued to let my past define Your Truth rather than turning to You and being teachable by Your Spirit.  I turn away from my selfish pride and bow in Your glory.  I reject the list-making, rule-enforcing rituals that I have relied on to determine my worth.  I want to learn how to be free in Your Kingdom culture - I don't believe I can control other people and I don't believe I can be controlled by them either.  I'm sorry for working against You instead of resting IN You. You are always good, right, and perfect - and in You, Lord my God, I find myself.

Touched

As a warm breeze flows through the hollows of the land caressing all within it with a tingle of peace, His Breathe moves seeking to be inhaled by starving lungs. 

Having suffered the effects of extreme cold I lay dormant as a cube of ice, split from my original design - repelling my own self from the process of polarization.  My form is rigid and demanding as my artic aura confronts every encounter, the fruit of my existance replicates my icy obstinent condition. Uninspired, searching for nothing, irrelevant to the progression of life.

Amidst the company of fellow ice cubes, idling, unaware of possibilities yet somewhere in my molecules is a memory of what once was, suddenly I'm brushed with a curious Essence.

It glides over my surface, an electric reaction occurs as my exterior structure transforms.  I become slick and unstuck as I slowly move into more of the warmth, leaving behind the frozen isolation.  Even though the remote of my soul remains petrified, I become aggitated with activity.

My hardened center sits in a puddle of myself, Gentleness from without integrates within developing me until even the most unyeilding heart of me becomes pliable. 

I begin to respond to the Energy that consumes me and I traverse previously unreachable places, I conceed to the Pressure of the Atmosphere trickling over and soaking into every surface sharing the Experience.

In my fluidity, my nature seeks to be immersed with more Water, somehow knowing that by law the frozen melt in Its Presence...

The Living Water - I've been touched.

All means All

Are my prayers effective?  Does He hear me?  Am I asking the right things?  How do I know if He wants (wills for) what I'm asking for?

These are the questions that have plagued me for most of my life and while there is some principle behind the heart of these questions, I've recently learned that these questions come from a seed of doubt and doubt is a lie issued to confuse me, defeat me, and distract or discourage me from pursuing God.  Doubt is a fruit of fear and God clearly states "Do not fear".  Well, if I'm dealing with a 'struggle' then I need to know what tools, resources, or 'weapons' I have to handle it - right?

So I went looking into what were the 'right things' and the Will of God. 

First I came to the absence of sin. This is one of the strongest messages I've heard preached over the course of my life: that sin is absolutely unacceptable - sin does not exist in Heaven.  We have been saved from sin and forgiven for our sins... and I believe this to be completely true.  God went for the jugular when He addressed sin: the Divine Exchange.

In this knowledge then, I can give prayers of praise and thanks that I am free from the bondage of sin... I am a new creature in Christ therefore I do not have an appetite for the same things I used to.  (I am not bound by the desire to do wrong).  This is good news!  Free... what else am I free from? Now we're going somewhere...

Sickness and disease.  This is not so clear... or is it?  Somehow, we have come to accept a certain amount of illness, we have provided room for (given permission for) poor health in our physical existance. Why?

"My soul, praise the Lord, and do not forget all His benefits. He forgives all your sin; He heals all your diseases." Psalms 103:3

"Yet I will certainly bring health and healing to it and will indeed heal them. I will let them experience the abundance of peace and truth." Jeremiah 33:6

"Large crowds followed Him, and He healed them there." Matthew 19:2

There isn't room enough in this blog to identify all the scriptures that specifically talk about and demonstrate God's will and power to heal, even with all that why then are we unsure about His desire for us to be free from sickness and disease?  Most of the time it's because we have prayed for something at one point and we didn't see an immediate 'answer', got discouraged, and accepted (gave permission for) this as part of our reality. (Stay with me...)

What about mental illness, legitimate cognitive problems...?  Research shows "mental illness disability rates have doubled since 1987 and increased six-fold since 1955" (Interview w/Robert Whitaker) and "approximately one in five adults - suffer from some form of mental illness" (Psychology Today).  God's decision on this is clear - we are given a spirit of sound mind (2Timothy 1:7) and self-control (Galatians 5:23). I think this is a case of mistaken identity. 

"Now He was driving out a demon that was mute. When the demon came out, the man who had been mute, spoke, and the crowds were amazed." (Luke 11:14)

Understanding the source of mental illness and disorder allows me to take authority: "...and to have the authority to drive out demons." Mark 3:15 (Follow me a little further...)

What about financial stress and making sure our needs are met... What about adequate employment?  It is the will of God for us to be able to carry out the purpose He has for us and He will provide for that purpose. "For I know the plans I have for you"-[this is] the Lord's declaration-"plans for [your] welfare, not for disaster, to give you a future and a hope." (Jeremiah 29:11) **It's important to know that we are not all called to do the same thing, and the plan for each of us is unique, therefore we cannot compare our provision with another.  God will supply (make room for, open the door to) exactly what we need to accomplish His Purpose.

I laid all that down to bring you here.  Over the course of my own life I have suffered disease, mental illness (diagnosed and defined as 'permanent'), struggled over bills and providing for basic needs, not to mention addictions and sinful abhorent behaviors that I never thought I would be free from.  I begged and pleaded for years (decades even) for freedom from this bondage. 

I knew Jesus, but didn't understand Him or what has ALREADY been established and provided to me.  Then one day God showed me Truth: "Thy Kingdom come, Thy Will be done, on earth as it is in Heaven".  Jesus taught us how to pray the will of our Father and furthermore it is His desire to bring Heaven here on earth... AND I'm called to embrace THAT reality now! ON earth as it IS in Heaven (no sickness or disease in Heaven).  But wait, there's more... "Give us this day our daily bread" - provision.  "And forgive us our trespasses as we forgive those who trespass against us": sin issue.  "And lead us not into temptation, but deliver us from evil" -no more bondage or disorder.

I am now and have remained free from all that ailed me (medications and all!).  Coming into knowledge of what is already true brings freedom.  It's our own human (earthly) thought process (based on a visual, tangible, natural reality) that causes us to fall short of the love, peace, and joy that we have been given.  We accept the absolute on sin, but start to make adjustments for sickness and the rest (as they seem more out of our control..).  We don't get to choose what is absoute in the Kingdom of Heaven.  When God says all things, He means ALL THINGS.

"..He gave them authority over unclean spirits, to drive them out and to heal every disease and sickness." (Matt 10:1) "When evening came, they brought to Him many who were demon-possessed. He drove out the spirits with a word and healed all who were sick.." (Matt 8:16)

All: Being the utmost possible of; every; any whatsoever
Every: Constituting each and all members of a group without exception; being all possible
ALL means ALL.

So I know now that I'm praying the will of God, the question becomes do I believe the will of God..?

"And He told him, "Get up and go on your way. Your faith has made you well.'" (Luke 17:19)  "Then He touched their eyes, saying, 'Let it be done for you according to your faith!'" (Matt 9:29)
My faith matters. 

I grow in my faith by growing in God, and I do this in worship.  "Our Father, who art in Heaven, HALLOWED be Thy Name.... For Thine is the Kingdom, and the Power, and the Glory Forever!  Amen"  I acknowledge, accept, receive that this IS Truth by exaulting Him, thanking Him - most of the time, in advance (faith) - for what He has done.

Heavenly Father, I thank You for all You have done and provided for me.  Thank You for Your Son, Jesus Christ so that I may know You.  I claim my identity in You and all that You have made available to me.  I refuse to be confused and discouraged by circumstances, reports, or lies that are formed against me or sent to me, but rather take joy in the foundation that You have secured.  I accept the Truth that I have a sound mind, good health, and provision in You.  I decree these things in Jesus Name - Amen.

"..be unto me according to Thy Word.." (Luke 1:38)

Going for the Jugular

Sin. Committing bad behavior... making poor, unhealthy decisions... doing what we know somewhere deep inside is just wrong.  I have spent (or wasted) much of my life justifying my reasons why I was, in some way, allowed to do as I pleased or how inaccurate the rules were that I was correct in my rebellion... and the past few years, I simply didn't care if my choices were wrong, I felt hopeless and irrelevant in this life and therefore anything that made me feel better (even if only temporary) was better than the harshness of the reality in which I existed.

I was certain that I was too stained, tainted by the circumstances of my reality, to matter to God or be considered important (or worthy) enough for Him to love... let alone be redeemed.

God pursues His creation.

Let me be clear:  He does not place us here in a sick and twisted game of survival-of-the-fittest.  It is our human-ness that has caused us to fall down time and time again... God's desire is for each and every single one of us to know Him, to be prospered by Him, to live in Him.  We alone cannot defeat the condition of fallen man... we desperately need our Father in Heaven.  God does not take lightly to these matters.  He loves us SO much!  Seeing how we struggle - how we tend to totally miss Him even in our best 'human' efforts...  

...We know very well that we are not set right with God by rule-keeping but only through personal faith in Jesus Christ. How do we know? We tried it...  no human being can please God by self-improvement... (read full passage - Galatians 2:15-16 MSG)

Before I go any deeper, I promised when I first started writing this blog that you will come to know me and my life over time - and I want you to know that I speak from my heart and my experience, so let me share a little about me:  The idea of God, Jesus Christ, church, religion is not new to me.  I grew up in a home that went to church every Sunday, dressed in our 'Sunday best', to hear the Word of God and have fellowship with people we never spent any time knowing outside of those four walls.  I learned quickly not to question the bible or my elders - that was blasphemous.  I learned that my dad didn't need to attend church with us; that abuse of any kind is to not be discussed or disclosed; that peace can only be found inside the walls of the church and even that completely depends on the adherence to the rules of said church by the whole body (one person's disgrace could tarnish us all).

I was often "shushed" and grew into a personality that was not my destiny.  My family was broken, abuse was abundant, survival and self-preservation became my understanding of normal.  I was told I would never succeed, that I was a whore, and that I was responsible for the messes of my family.

In my adulthood, I had a child out of wedlock, have been divorced - twice, raped, victim to brutal random acts of violence.  I spent years high, drunk, or both... I participated in sexually dangerous behavior, entertained eating disorders, battled diseases, endured many suicide attempts.  I lost my motherhood and myself. I've been evicted and broke.  I've lied and been lied to.  I've heard God and walked away.  Not only had I been told I was useless, I proved it.

I was not in any way deserving of peace, love, mercy or grace.  None-the-less, God pursued me... relentlessly.  His heart was breaking for me.  He knew His purpose for me and because His Love is greater than we can humanly know, He came after me, He called me over and over... He demonstrated His love for me in such a drastic and violent way - it was bigger than any mess I could ever make. He was not afraid of my sin, He wanted to free me from the prison of my life - the chains of fear.

I've come to understand God's position on this issue of sin in a very real context.  We are not forever bound to sin.  So, you too consider yourselves dead to sin but alive to God in Christ Jesus...For sin will not rule over you, because you are not under law but under grace.  (Romans 6:11,14 HCSB) We have been redeemed. 

Here's where we get lost.  We have destroyed the meaning of words - our vocabulary has been raped by what is convenient for us as a population... and it continues to evolve to meet OUR selfish agenda.  So before I go any further - let's recapture some of our words.

Redeem - to buy back, to recover by payment or other satisfaction

Ransom - to redeem a person from captivity by paying a stipulated price; to deliver or redeem from captivity, bondage, or detention, or punishment for sin by paying a demanded price;

When the first man (Adam) fell, all of humanity became hostage of or captive to sin.  In other words, an agreement was made with satan, giving him power and authority.  By our own best efforts, we cannot save ourselves - pay the penalty for our sin - of which we are in bondage (imprisoned by).  We know that Christ was sent for us (we say this so casually and often without comprehension) and I feel that something we miss repeatedly is how passionate God is for us... that this wasn't a "swap one slavery for another" deal.

"God went for the jugular when he sent his own Son. He didn't deal with the problem as something remote and unimportant. In his Son, Jesus, he personally took on the human condition, entered the disordered mess of struggling humanity in order to set it right once and for all. The law code, weakened as it always was by fractured human nature, could never have done that." (Romans 8:3 MSG)

He went for the JUGULAR!  This is a 'once and for all' act of God.  In His Son, Jesus, HE (God) personally took on the human condition (it bears repeating) ...struggling humanity, to set it right. We were ransomed through Jesus Christ! My heart absolutely aches when I read this and I am completely humbled.  He loves us SO much.  Even me, in the mess I was, in my brokenness (fractured human nature) He did what I could never have done.  He set my life right, He restored me to the divine condition in which he made me so that I could be alive in Him and fulfill His Purpose for me.

For those He foreknew He also predestined to be conformed to the image of His Son, so that He would be the firstborn among many brothers.  And those He predestined, He also called; and those He called, He also justified; and those He justified, He also glorified.  (Romans 8:29-30 HCSB)

  

I personally feel a heartache, a frustration when I hear (a general buzzing in the world today) that we (as individuals or even as a community) are very busy, that it's hard to make time (or take the time) to BE with God - to know God OR that we are not redeemable.  I believed my whole life that I was not receivable, and I'm no one particularly special... I am as you are: precious in His sight.  He has made it possible for us to live in peace and love abundantly... He has been there with us through it all, cleaning up the mess - turning our worst into His best!

My heart aches for God's heart - the way we completely massacre His Divine Love for us.  He watches us in torment... and because He won't violate Himself, He waits for us... waits for us to reach our 'proverbial end'... saying to us "I'm right here... if only you'd look UP."

There is so much to discuss, but it comes to this: our Heavenly Father is calling each and every single one of us to a new place in Him.  Wherever you are in your relationship with Jesus Christ and His Father - this is not the end... it is designed not for us to repeat the past or re-live history, but we are being called to recognize the foundation that has been laid down before us, to stand firmly on His promise, and step into His Presence, receive His Love, hear His Voice, be transformed by His Grace.  For us, this is our beginning.  It has been done for us - all for His Glory and it is now our choice to embrace what He has so freely given in the life, death, and eternal life of His Son, Jesus Christ.

Hear His call, be glorified and victorious in Christ Jesus, elevate your relationship with the One who made you, recognize this new day, rejoice! and be glad, you are chosen, you are called, you are sons and daughters of God and the Kingdom of Heaven is here!

An Essence

I've been asking "who am I" a lot lately and through God's Word, I've gotten a good start in understanding my identity through Christ, that He's called me, and what I look like to Him.  One day while in His warm embrace, I 'turned' to take a good look at this Father who loves me so very much - and I realized I didn't have a clear picture of Him.  Wow!  

I didn't want to miss this!  I want to know the qualities of this Sovereign God.  I want to get as close as I can to Him, and to do that I needed to be able to recognize Him.  

I started by closing my eyes and trying to draw up a visual.  This did not work well... God is not an image.  I then turned to the Bible for an understanding.  Here I learned that God is peace, God is Love, God is everywhere.  The idea was overwhelming.  The more I learned the more I tried to comprehend just how vast He is, but my mind could not hold the idea.

Later, feeling that I had somehow "lost" my "connection" with God, I started crying... a lot. I wanted so badly to be close to this Love, this Power, this Almighty.  Where did He go?  What did I do that I felt so lost all of a sudden...? It was in this distress that I saw (rather God showed me) that I was trying to put God in an earthly container of human definition.  

The description of Who God IS is not limited to words, cannot be captured in a single picture, does not fit any mold, nor is He located in any one place.  There is a piece of Him in each and every one of us.  The way I see it is if we united - the world in it's entirety - putting all the gifts God gave each of us on display, shining together as One Light, then we might come closer to 'seeing God'.  

Because there is one loaf, our many-ness becomes one-ness-Christ doesn't become fragmented in us. Rather, we become unified in him. We don't reduce Christ to what we are; he raises us to what he is. (1 Corinthians 10:17 MSG)

Essence: the basic, real, and invariable nature of a thing or its significant individual feature or features;  the inward nature, true substance, or constitution of anything
Nature: the universe, with all its phenomena... attributes, features
Constitution: architecture, design, disposition
(definitions and synonyms by Dictionary.com)
  
God is IN us.  We were made in His image.  God created human beings; he created them godlike, Reflecting God's nature. He created them male and female. (Genesis 1:27 MSG)  We each hold a component unique to God's Essence.  But that doesn't mean you should all look and speak and act the same. Out of the generosity of Christ, each of us is given his own gift. (Ephesians 4:7)  It is His desire for each of us to embrace these components, allowing Him to grow us, flourish us, bring us into full bloom... and then coming together through Love we shine as God's Light. 

So how do I see God?  By looking at you.  

If we all carry a feature that is of God, then I can't define you by the 'earthly reality' in which you exist.  I look inside to see God in you.  It's there that I am able to connect with you, love you, and be in relationship with you. (what if there is no God in me...?) We are all creatures of God. Any goodness that comes from you, comes from God.  

This is how God showed his love for us: God sent his only Son into the world so we might live through him. (1 John 4:9 MSG)  It's in Christ that we find out who we are and what we are living for. Long before we first heard of Christ and got our hopes up, he had his eye on us, had designs on us for glorious living, (Ephesians 1:11 MSG)

It's my job to step into the love and protection of God as He grows me, and in doing so I'm able to see past the chaos and into the God in you, sharing the Message... and it's here - in this Love - that I see God.  Residing in God, in Christ, I chose to get dressed in Him every day.

You can't capture an Essence, you wear an Essence.

My Father's Daughter

I don't know about you, but I've often been confused about what defines me as a person... what is my reason... the deepest of deep meanings that lies in the question 'Who Am I?'  The more I've struggled with this, the more it seems that I've allowed to myself to be swallowed up by the views and opinions of the world and my environment.

When I first arrived, I learned to identify myself by my name.  Then as a daughter and sister, wife, mom, friend... I started to further define myself by my career choice(s), my hobbies, how much money I did (or didn't) have.  I even went so far as to include in my description the circumstances, events, and deeds of my life.

I became chained, victim to myself, suffocated by my own inaccurate impression and (deep sigh) the obstructed eyesight of others. I became hollow... I didn't exist in an empty place - the emptiness existed in me.  But we run deeper than we think we do... and there in the remoteness of my soul my spirit was crying out, hoping for a rescue, searching for a Voice to say "I know you".

Praise the Lord! God is a Faithful God... He hears our spirit's cry every time and He answers back every time and He says that we are not bound to live according to this world, but by His Spirit.  He commands freedom as we are His children. (Romans 8:12-17) 

I felt this understanding start to take hold of my heart, but the pull of my current reality was strong.  I tried to grasp the concept with my mind, but my mind had been broken.  I realized I couldn't acquire this intimate enlightenment by my own might, my own will.  I had to turn to God to show me what this looks like...

Society, people of influence, even those close to me say (and insist) how dare I lift myself up.  How dare I think highly of myself.  Me and where I've been... all the things I've done!... and what's been done to me... They say I must prove myself worthy and even in that effort... I'll never come close to perfect. 

In the midst of believing this to be true, God says to me "I loved you even when you were a sinner.  I knew you before you were born.  My Spirit is in you.  The world is waiting for you My precious daughter.. you shine so bright in My Eyes.  I want you to shine to the whole world... All My Kingdom is yours... girl - GET UP! I called you!  I elected you!  I justified you though My Son Jesus Christ!  I will glorify you in Me!  Lift your head high... stand tall, you are My child!  Your love for Me is all that matters, forget about perfect.  

I know your life better than even you... I've been with you through it all and I will get My Glorious Victory!  Now start singing to Me with your spirit... Mine and yours together, I'm making you whole." this is what my Father says.

Therefore, I refuse to be bound by these chains that held captive my soul.  I have been pre-destined to be conformed to the Image of Jesus Christ.  I identify myself with a divine distinctiveness and I insist on freedom of my spirit to communicate with my Father, to exist in the Kingdom that is mine by royal inheritance for His Word says NOTHING can keep me from my Dad! (Romans 8:38-39)

How Can I Help?

Thank You for meeting my needs, Lord Jesus my Almighty God!  I say them to you simply as you know them more than I do and you already have in place the perfect plan to not only meet every single one of my needs, but to also prosper me in ways I can not yet imagine. Jeremiah 29:10-12  How can I help?

Thank You for keeping my children to You, My Comfort, My Protector!  I am not there to shield them from the abuses of this world.  They are confronted by influence masked as 'morality', they are encouraged by fear disguised as 'challenge'.  I know You have Your angels all around these precious souls and their spirits are guarded by Your Unending Love. Psalm 91 How can I help?

Thank You in advance for bringing my family and my friends through, Lord Jesus, the One, the Most High!  Consumed by time and the perceived pressures of this world, continue to keep their hearts and give them Hope.  I know that You are with each and every one of us here in community - as we are an extension of You... the Hands, Feet, and Body of Christ. 1 Corinthians 12:11-13(HCSB)  I know You make yourself tangible to us, You 'reason' with us, You provide us with support and never leave us lonely through this Honorable Community.  How can I help?

For the world... Oh Precious Lord!  I pray Love!  A massive endless Encounter with You that transforms our heart desires as we ALL are creatures of God!  I pray for an eruption of Love that cannot be contained!  I know this is Your plan, Lord...John 3:16-18 (HCSB) How can I help?


My dream... Sweet Jesus!... the deepest aching of my heart... to pursue Your vision and exist in time in Heaven here on earth Matthew 6:9-11 - just as You promised.  I seek endlessly Your Will, to discover truths about myself that need to be brought to light, to know Your Plan and see Your vision... to understand Lord God, how can I help?  I will not sit on the sidelines and hope that someone else is brave enough to enter in to Your Presence and receive this call to action.  How can I help?  

I will not wait for a 'sign' or a miracle because thinking that I must see one first is a lie.  Experiencing Your Love IS a miracle.  Being able to reflect that Love to any other person IS a miracle!  Because I am not able on my own.  Me and my SELF are not equipped - do not have the capacity - to hold Love let alone generate it and give it.  It is not in my nature. But in YOU, Jesus, by YOU, I receive.  Through YOU Love comes through me and SHINES on this world... and every person in it!  THAT is a miracle!  


So I hear Your call... You've called me by name.  I am significant in this earth-wide transformation and my only question is how can I help?  Keep teaching me!  Keep growing me!  Make me silenter still as I listen to Your Voice as You lead me to divine understanding of how I can help.  Thank You, God!,  for answering my heart's cry!

Living Faith

I walked into an assisted living community the other day for an interview and was struck with the re-memory that I had a great-grandmother and that I knew her very well when I was a child.  She was a very humble and confident woman...faithful.  

I came home and searched until I found this zipped up heavy plastic bag.  Inside, wrapped delicately in two separate pillow cases was her Bible.  Falling apart as it was, I started to gently thumb through it, finding her favorite marked passages, pictures, and notes she had made to herself.  Then I came across a clipping taped to the inside front cover and it's as relevant today as it was then:

(from the Chicago Tribune on Monday July 20, 1964)
Living Faith - by Harold Blake Walker
THERE is a sentence I found somewhere suggesting the conviction that carried disciples of Jesus and the early Christians thru "peril, toil, and pain."  It speaks of "this anyplace where God let's down His Ladder."  God is never far from "this anyplace" where people are hurt or troubled or afraid.

Forty-five years ago {from the original date this was published} when the armies of the world were locked in struggle, William Henry Boddy posed a question that has haunted us all, "Where is God today when the armies clash in battle?" {this question still haunts us today... and so must his answer}.  His answer is eloquent with meaning for us all:

God is where mercy binds a wound; God is where sympathy stoops to share the awful burden; God is where grief sheds a tear and a little song of hope and love is at the heart of the battle's hell.  God is where tired, brave bewildered lads lie down to die with forgiveness in their hearts.  Aye, wherever the cross is, God is there, hanging upon it.

To know in the midst of tragedy or hurt, frustration of failure in the service of the good, that God is in it with us, binding our wounds, sharing our anguish, keeping hope and faith, we find confidence to ride out the storms we endure.  The very name they gave Jesus at His birth, "Immanuel, " meaning "God with us" is a testament to the endless truth that He does not leave us alone - not ever.

No matter where we are, you and I, there is "this anyplace" where God lets down His ladder for us to climb above and the tears to triumph.

My great-grandmother, this woman, was like a rock in my life so long ago... as it turns out - she still is.  I'm understanding that I can look into any point in my life and I can find God there... and THIS is Good News! 

Due to the circumstances of my life, I had existed in a state numbness and therefore behaved in a very lost way.  The more I 'dis-connected' with myself in an effort to protect myself, I effectively was also shutting off my heart understanding of love, faith, and life.  Learning to feel is painful, but it lets me know I'm alive, that there's a reason for me to continue to grow, and to run toward the Love that is drawing me near... "this anyplace" is my Home.  
 

Remove Me

Dear Jesus,
I am selfish.  I am un-trusting.  Therefore I try so hard to control my environment... and yes, even all the people in it.  I try to convince myself that there is good in my motive - but I am full of self-deceit.  Good does not come from me, it only comes from You.  I fill my time with things that interest only my flesh... I am selfish.  I am me-focused.

I want more of You, Jesus.  I need less of me... a whole lot less of me... and a LOT more of You!  Remove me from myself.

Take away my need for the world to approve of my voice.  Wipe away my struggle to understand all the reasons 'why' things happen they way they do... and worse to try and control them.  Help me to see that my input does not matter, but rather my response to Your Love.  Melt my heart so that I can feel more and more of Your Love and turn me into a reflection of that Love.

When I look in the mirror, let me see a new face.  When I open my eyes, let me look through Yours.

Remove me from myself and replace me with You.  Make me the person You designed me to be.

I pray that there is nothing left of me but what You've given me and that I follow Your lead in all that I do.  I pray that I am overcome with Your Love that I am transformed in how I relate with the world.  I pray that I not only greet people differently, but that I receive them differently... that I listen with ears of distinction, dignity, and respect rather than projecting my own human "vocabulary"  and "understanding" onto who they are and what they mean.  I pray I can listen with Love.

I am very defensive of my posture and position because I am afraid I am wrong... and if I am wrong I will be rejected.
I am wrong, Lord, but in You I have been made right, clean, and whole.  In You I am accepted.

Remove me from myself, help me to forgive myself as You have forgiven me. Help me to die my old ways to You so I can live again in You... let me be refreshed and rise again in You.

In You, Jesus, I am a new creature, by Your Blood I have been washed... In You God I know who I am - I am loved.

HE knows ME!

When I came back to this post, I was really hoping I had already started writing something here... but nope... there was just the title.  How do I begin to humanize the feeling in this?  It's a lot easier to comprehend that we can 'go' to a place to experience God or be in a set of 'desirable circumstances' where God will be and meet us.

But what about when I'm not paying attention?  Does He know me then?  How about when I trip and fall?  And even when I knowingly do something wrong?  Does He care about who I am then? Or do I get lost in the sea of people...?

Romans 9:28 (MSG) God doesn't count us; he calls us by name. Arithmetic is not his focus.

He knows my name.  

Jeremiah 1:5 (MSG) "before I formed you in the womb I knew you, before you were born I set you apart;"

and further more, He cares about what happens to me... 

Jeremiah 29:11-14 "For I know the plans I have for you, declares the Lord, plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future. Then you will come upon me and come and pray to me and I will listen to you. You will seek me and find me when you seek me with all your heart. I will be found by you, declares the Lord, and will bring you back from captivity."

It's easy to read this and go "MmHmm, I understand" but this is way deeper!  Of all the people in the whole wide world, God knows who I am, cares about what happens to me, and is calling ME home.  He does not want ME to get lost!  

(a moment to pause about that right there..)

God, the One who made the grass and the cows who graze, the One who made the sky and the birds that fly, the One who MADE the sun and who GAVE His Son... this God loves me and cares for ME.  

(even though I did all those things...? even though... even when...) 

Yes.

His Love is more powerful than ALL of that.  His Love embraces me, His Blood washes me, He makes me new.  I matter.  AND (and this is the best) God loves EVERYBODY in this way!  He loves YOU and YOU and YOU! 

Thank you Jesus! for knowing me, for loving me, and for making me new!

Intimacy

In all honesty, I was too tired to DO anything more.  My whole life I was trained that love was earned, and I learned that I would always fall short of meeting the requirements.  This was an exhausting realization... especially because it is human nature to crave love... so on went the endless cycle of trying to be great, to earn what my heart ached for, but coming up short.

This was just with humans... how was I supposed to 'get perfect' in the eyes of God?  I've heard about this wonderful love but couldn't understand HOW.  It seemed like so much WORK!  So many rules... some imposed on me by 'the church' and others I imposed on myself by my own interpretation. 

I would read the bible, get overwhelmed, feel unworthy... and quit.  I went to church - several, in fact - and got lost in the rules or rituals.  There were so many, for starters... AND they were so different sometimes. But what stood out to me is that there was no emotion behind most of it, and that confused me. So, I quit.  I tried talking with people who I thought should know more than I do about such things, and my questions were 'inappropriate', which felt like I fell out of grace again, so I quit.  I felt intimidated by all these "good" people around me, I would never measure up, so I quit. 

I QUIT.  But God didn't ever quit on me:)
1 Corinthians 1:9 (MSG) God, who got you started in this spiritual adventure, shares with us the life of his Son and our Master Jesus. He will never give up on you. Never forget that. 


There was a continuous pulling on my heart to KEEP LOOKING, keep searching.  That's the only way I know how to explain it.  So as much as I "decided" I had given up, there was something in me that hadn't.  People started coming into my life, and at the time, I didn't recognize it.  But they felt good, comfortable, familiar... safe.  Simply by observing these people (as we naturally do) my heart started learning... what it was learning, I didn't know.


But by the time I got the courage to walk into church again (and it took a LOT of courage) somehow my heart had become open to hearing this message:  I don't need anything from you.  I don't need a performance from you.  I want a relationship with you. -with Love, God.


...really? That's it?  You just want a relationship? You want me to get to know you... and that's it...?


That's it.  No rules.  No agenda.  The pressure and stress was lifted from me and while this 'concept' was unfamiliar to me, I started to look up and SEE God - I can absolutely have a relationship, a friendship with God... an intimacy with Jesus Christ!  That sounds AWESOME! YES! let's do THAT!
...and the tightness of my heart began to unravel...

Community

It's been on my heart to share what I'm learning, and to be honest, perhaps this is more for my benefit in the long run... every day I see miracles happening.  My heart, my eyes, and my ears are changing so fast and I'm excited with what I'm learning!

I expect that this transition into blogging may not be graceful as I have no idea what I'm doing... but I am confident that the message will come through anyway.  My story - how I got here - will come in time, but know that I have not understood nor needed companionship, neighbors, community, friendships in over 10 years.   The concept was lost on me.

As I've been searching for understanding through a church (now my church) I felt nervous and uncomfortable with everyone being so friendly and asking "how I am".  Why did they want to know?  What would their expectations be of me?  All of my relationships (at least up to this point) have all been performance-based.  I could not wrap my head around people caring about me simply for the sake of caring.


I had been attending church for about a month and a half when I had to go out-of-town on business, making me miss our mid-week Wednesday prayer group.  I was surrounded by strangers in an environment that was everything but familiar to me and not-at-all comfortable in the traditional sense of the word.  


I used to be a flight attendant, so traveling and being in new environments was nothing new to me... but this was very different.  I felt isolated.  I started longing, but I wasn't sure for what.  It wasn't until I walked into the door of my home, hearing the music that I leave on (our local Christian radio station) I felt comforted and immediately at peace.  As I sat down to write my pastor a quick note, it came to me:

I am being shown the meaning and reason for community:) What I'm understanding is this: God can hug us, physically touch us, look us in the eye, be 'tangible' (so-to-speak) through our Christian community... and that is SO important in this 'world' where we are almost assaulted without rest by worldly (unloving) language, behavior, images, sounds/music, thoughts/opinions from others all imposed without our permission. The human-ness in me NEEDS to come back to my community - and NOW I understand what that means:) I want to be a part of creating the environment that I'm craving... and I want to SPREAD that environment... past the walls of the church:)